Just had to let it all out

[OMGEE its hopee]

So Im not your "average person", Im not saying anyone is average, but Im definetly not what you would expect. Well for starters Im 15 years young and Im a girl, clearly.

Im not going to mention what I've gone threw over the years, it would just take too much time, and make me too upset but lets just say when it comes to my family, its bad. I still have flash backs of the really bad days and they dont go away. They keep haunting me. When a friend talks about going to there grandparents house, I have a flash back of my amazing grandmother collapsing on the table, right there infront of my 10 year old eyes. I can still see the ambulances rushing threw the resturaunt we were at, because it was my dads birthday...I can still see all the people staring at me as im in tears. I can feel the pain and the shivers. But thats just whare it all started. Im not going to mention the really bad things because again, would make me too upset.

So just about a year ago my family moved to NC to get away from all thats happend. Though the problums with our extended family went away, the problums in our house have just started. Before I go to bed I tell my dad "good nite, I love you" and he never says "I love you" in return. I cant remember the last time I heard him tell me he loves me. It just makes me feel so...lame,low and unimportant. I feel like, he wanted me when I was born...but he doesnt want me anymore. I just think about it all day long "what did I do? what can I change? what will make him want me again?"
and my mom? Well thats a hard one. Half the time I feel loved, but the other half I feel hated. When your mom looks you in the eye and tells you "your a f*ckin b*tch" it hurts. more than anything.

Well I have a brother, but he was recently arrested for posetion of drugs. dandy aint it?

I was never a happy person, never in my life can I ever remember being truley happy. sure there were times whare I was happy for a little, but only temperary, and when the happiness went away the depression would come back, but twice as bad. Im not the worst Ive been, yet not the best either, Im kinda just taking life one day at a time.

so my number one dream was to oneday meet Michael Jackson, now you see how that would be hard to do now? Threw it all Ive had his music make me feel better, and his message is amazing, and his death hit me hard. Like really hard, and I dont even know why. I was super depressed for the weeks following his death its been hard.

I look at all the people effected with his death, so many people are unhappy and sad...I just think "Why wasnt it me?" I WISH it were me. I wouldnt cause pain to less than half that many people.

I often look at amazing people who are very ill and wont make it, and I ask again "Why not me?"

you know, why not?

I often find myself looking out a high window, and pictureing myself falling. I can almost feel the wind blowing threw my hair and up angesnt my face it all so real. I would NEVER kill myself though, but sometimes it just scares me on just how content I am with death.

When I was little, I used to always belive and tell myself "Im gonna die young" or "im never gonna grow up" I dont know why I did, but I just did. Not something you hear little 6 year olds thinking now is it?

I truley do belive I am gonna die young though. I just do.

But thats okay. I belive in God, and I belive that he put me on this earth for a reason, and when he wants me he will take me. But not before my time. My goal inlife is to dedicate my entire life to helping other people. I feel my best when I know I made someone else smile. I dont want to get married or own a big house, I just want to help people. I want to make a difference, to one person or to one hundred people I wanna do it. I can do it. I will do it.

Words cant describe how I feel and whats going on in my mind, mainly because Im a terrible writer, and I hate typeingg. Well I just really wanted to get it all out I dont care if anyone reads this. Its out. kthanksbyee!
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made by runningman ^^^^